Spare Us, you Goons!

A helpless young girl was brutally gang raped in a moving bus and both she & her male counterpart were thrown out naked onto the street…The passers by watch the scene and do nothing…The Police who arrive argue for many precious minutes about which should be the jurisdiction of the crime…The heavily bleeding naked girl was even given a sheet of cover after the equally naked male escort begged for it…The brave girl after considerable fight, died in a prestigious hospital at Singapore… (Other rape reports and sexual exploitation are coming in from various parts of India.) I don’t need to write about the horrific details of the incident (the media is full of that in all its violent details) and how the youth, both male and female, rallied around with even the edifices of power trembling at the cataclysm at what could have a telling effect on them and their echelons of power.

Having said this, I am ashamed and to a great extent shocked at the reaction of people with regard to this tragically horrific case, especially from people from the political tribe. Today a self proclaimed god man has also joined the bandwagon.

To quote William Shakespeare, these were the most unkindest cut of all. Just listen to these insensitive wisecracks… and believe you me, all of them are honourable people. My apologies to Mark Antony and his famous speech.

Abhijit Mukherjee, son of India’s First Citizen & President Pranab Kumar Mukherjee, speaking to a Bengali-language television channel, said that "highly dented-painted" women visited discotheques and then appeared at India Gate to protest the Delhi bus gang rape. And Abhijit Mukherjee is an honourable man.

CPI-M leader Anisur Rahman, who considers Mamta Bannerjee as his arch rival, while ridiculing the latter’s decision to pay compensation to women who are victims of crimes like rape and trafficking. "We have been told by the chief minister in the assembly that the government will pay money to compensate rape victims. What is your fee? If you are raped, what will be your fee?," asked Anisur, seemingly of Mamta Didi. And Anisur Rehman is an honourable man.

RSS chief Mohan Bhagwat claimed that the incidents of rape were the result of adoption of western culture in society as a whole and that erosion of traditional Indian values were more pronounced in urban areas. "Crimes against women happening in urban India are shameful. It is a dangerous trend. But such crimes won't happen in Bharat or the rural areas of the country. You go to villages and forests of the country and there will be no such incidents of gang rape or sex crimes," he had said. "Where 'Bharat' becomes 'India' with the influence of western culture, these type of incidents happen. The actual Indian values and culture should be established at every stratum of society where women are treated as 'mother'," Bhagwat added. The one visible western practice that the RSS has imbibed is perhaps wearing of the shorts, or is it Indian too? Or are there more?? And Mohan Bhagwat is an honourable man.

When asked to comment on recent sexual harassment cases in the country, with Madhya Pradesh in particular, BJP leader Kailash Vijayvargiya said: “Whenever people cross their limitations, deterioration is bound to happen. It applies to everyone in the society. Whoever breaches the line, he/she will confront a Ravan.” And Kailash Vijayvargiya is an honourable man.

Andhra Pradesh Congress Committee President Botsa Satyanarayana termed the Delhi gangrape incident a minor one and questioned the need for women to be out at midnight. He later withdrew his statement. “Just because India got freedom at midnight, is it necessary for women to move on the streets at midnight?" he asked. What brilliant logic, isn’t it? And Botsa Satyanarayana is an honourable man.

If we thought that only men can make chauvinistic remarks, hold on. Kakoli Ghosh Dastidar, a Senior Trinamool Congress leader, speaking to a news channel said, "If you're referring to the Park Street rape, see that is a different case altogether. That was not at all a rape case. It was a misunderstanding between the two parties involved between a lady and her client. This was not a rape." She made this comment while reacting to another obscene comment made by senior CPI(M) leader Anisur Rehman on chief minister Mamata Banerjee. And Kakoli Ghosh Dastidar is an honourable woman.

The Vishwa Hindu Parishad blamed the 'western model' of lifestyle for growing incidents of sexual assault on women including rape, saying cities were losing the values. VHP international advisor Ashok Singhal termed as "alarming" the western model of living, which he said had been imbibed from the US. And Ashok Singhal is an honourable man.

Brainwaves. Wear overcoats. Travel in girls’ only buses where women conductors will only be appointed. "The meeting resolved to introduce overcoats for girl students, operate special buses for them and ban mobile phones in schools. Our government is committed to ensuring safety of women, particularly girl students," said school education minister T Thiagarajan, of the tiny state of Pondicherry. And T Thiagarajan is no doubt an honourable man.

Maharashtra Navnirman Sena chief Raj Thackeray blamed "Bihari" migrants for rapes. "All are talking about the Delhi gang rape, but nobody is asking from where these men came. No one is asking who did this. So many cases are slapped against me (for speaking against Biharis) but no one is talking about the fact that all these rapists are from Bihar," he said, addressing a public function in suburban Goregaon on Saturday. And Raj Thackeray is truly an honourable man.

Asaram Bapu, the self proclaimed god man said, "Only five to six people are not the culprits. The victim is as guilty as her rapists. She should have called the culprits brothers and begged before them to stop. This could have saved her dignity and life. Can one hand clap? I don't think so." I wonder in which world of reality is this so called spiritual man who courts controversy lives in! Does he even perceive the meaning of what he has said. No doubt, Asaram Bapu too is an honourable man.

What is visible through all these insensitive wisecracks?
We get to see the absolutely patriarchal and patronizing outlook of many.
They are all people with medieval mind sets and want to gain mileage – even at the cost of being notorious for courting controversies.
Each one has only his / her political point of view and nothing else. You and me don’t mean anything to them except votes – and that is needed only every fifth year.

So what we need most of all is a massive mind set makeover for both men and women. And I hope those of us who are wriggling with discomfiture at these utterances will remember what each one has said at the Battle of the Hustings. We don’t need such illogical, irrational and misogynistic people to lead us to help build our nation for the 21st century.  Not for the sake of our coming generations. We have the power. Let us affirm to use it.

Spare us, Goons. Be a little kind. Compassionate. Sympathetic. Empathetic. Being a human being, is it too much to ask? And don’t you open your bloody mouth if you can. We will at least have some respite.

To women, I just want to say this. We have treated this kind of male domination and patriarchy for too long. Like Rip Van Winkle we are in a deep state of slumber. For our sake, and our children’s sake let us wake up. So that, our girls will be strong and brook no nonsense. And our boys will learn to respect women. Therein lies the whiff of fresh breath, of freedom, that our nation really needs.

To all these who want to have dikats to talibanize women I would like to share these few lines that have gone viral in social media:

“Men should be offended when someone claims that women should prevent rape by NOT WEARING certain things;
or NOT GOING certain places;
or NOT ACTING in a certain way.

That line of thinking presumes that you are incapable of control.
That you are so base and uncivilized that it takes extraordinary effort for you to walk down the street without RAPING someone.
That you require a certain dress code be maintained, that certain behaviours be employed so that may be today, JUST MAY BE, you won’t RAPE someone.

It presumes that your natural state is Rapist.”

P.S: I have many men friends and relatives who have squirmed and were / are very concerned at the verbal diarrhoea that the high and the mighty have indulged in, leaving in shreds, sensitivity as a lost virtue. So when I write this it is not against all males; but am afraid, their numbers of those in my side of the fence are few. Them, I salute!

Loving Yourself: How to?

When I wrote my earlier post on Loving Myself – Is is Vanity or Necessity and shared it on my FB wall, a former student commented that it would be good to learn about the “how to” also. Therefore this post. I hasten to add that all these are tried and tested ways when I went through a “low self esteem” phase.

 

(I hope this is useful, Swati.) 

 

1. Discover yourself.

 

Ask yourself these questions: Do you know yourself well? What are your strong points? What are the areas where you have developmental needs? Write them all in a private journal. The more you know about yourself, the better you can accept yourself.

 

2. Smile often.

 

Research says that one uses less facial muscles to smile and more to frown. Therefore smile should come to us easily and naturally. It is not for nothing there is this saying that exhorts one to smile, for ‘it adds to one’s face value.’ Smiles beget smiles and what an amount of happy cheerful energy surrounds you! This is the most positive aspect of smiles. They are like sunshine – life giving and radiating.

 

3. Cultivate acceptance.

 

You are what you are physically. Technology has advanced so much that there are costly quick fixes like Botox or tummy tucks and the like to enhance one’s body image. It is also worth remembering that such alteration comes with heavy prices – the actual cost factor and the after effects that can be even life threatening. Look at yourself in the mirror and lovingly tell yourself “I love my … “ (fill it with every body part from head to toe). Look at yourself with new eyes. What a marvel you are thanks to each and every invisible part in your body! Take the case of your heart – it does the job silently. Should it stop, we cease to exist. But have we ever thanked our heart for keeping us alive? Our legs, for taking us from place to place? This exercise of thanking each and every part of our body will help us with not only acceptance but also fill us with gratitude.

 

4. Learn from mistakes.

 

Society abhors the ‘F’ word – failure I mean. Historically educators as well as adults have created a climate that does not encourage errors. Failure is pictured as a bottomless abyss from which pupils / people can never come out. No wonder then that many young teens are hope-less and despondent even before they have entered the brave new adult world. Whether it is homework, test taking, making friends or playing games, learning is enriched through making mistakes. It is here that a parent /mentor/educator can play a vital role – encourage all even when they make mistakes. This will prompt them to try again and not give up in despair.

 

5. Be kind & positive to yourself.

 

Many cannot forgive the lapses they make or that of others. Research says that ruminating about the past and about mistakes committed releases so many negative emotions and expressions, increase cardiac reactivity and impair the body’s parasympathetic calming response. Compassion and forgiveness on the other hand generate a host of positive emotions and responses, giving the body comfort, control and the right social orientation. So, it is worth letting go of bitterness and grudges. The moment you do that you stop being and acting like a victim. More importantly, forgive your own trespasses. Close your eyes, take a deep breath and say, “I forgive myself for——.” Another technique is to write a letter to your own self about the transgression. Burn it (be careful and prevent accidents of fire). This is symbolic of burning the thoughts of guilt and being reborn from its ashes, like the proverbial phoenix.

 

6. Silence the inner critic in you.

 

Is your negative self with its nonstop chatter, chiding you at each and every step? Stop this; else it will kill your self-confidence, and leave you at the very edge of depression and anxiety. Such an inner critic is all about the past and looks for blame. Replace that which beats you up with something new that will make you feel good – something constructive, positive. Accept your imperfections and be grateful that you are you and not anyone else. Remember it is perfectly ok to not be perfect.

 

7. Affirmations – use them lavishly.

 

“I live in the present, here and now.”

“I am very contented and happy.”

“I am fit and healthy.”

“I am me, I am ok.”

Words are expressions of thought and repeated positive and fostering expressions send positive vibrations to the Universe and make thoughts happen. So use suitable affirmations to develop love for yourself.

 

8. Look after your Body.

 

Eat healthy. Nurture it with proper nutrition and exercise. Treat it with utmost respect and care. Nourish it with Love. Very often many body image issues occur because the body lacks love and care.

 

9. Stay away from the comparison trap.

 

Can you ever compare apples with oranges? Each has its unique features. Never compare yourself with others. Comparing results in judging and leads to resentment, hatred. It evokes either inferiority or superiority, besides a host of other negative, damaging feelings. How do you stop comparing? Count your blessings! Focus on your positives, your strengths. To love yourself is to stop comparing.

 

10. Journal and plot your shift.

 

This is a highly reflective and effective exercise. Look at the good and the bad / the high and the low of each day. Jot it down in a private diary. It is an amazing stress buster and helps to release all pent up emotions. The consequent reflection empowers you by clearing your mind and giving you focus. When life hits unprecedented lows of change, hurt, loss and pain, journal writing can detoxify and heal. It can be an observation journal or the very effective gratitude journal.

 

So, there we are – love yourself first. When nobody celebrates or compliments you, learn to do them to yourself. Learn to enjoy your own company. The more you like yourself, the less you will want the lives of other people. The more the encouragement comes from within you, the more wholesome you will be. And the more wholesome you are, the more you will love yourself!

 

Reference:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/charlotte-vanoyen-witvliet-phd/surprised-by-happiness-wh_b_787126.html

http://www.deepermeditation.net/stressadviceblog/the-benefits-of-journaling-and-how-to-start-183

Loving Myself - Is it Vanity or Necessity??

From childhood most of us Indians are taught to love others. Show consideration for others. Even at the cost of harming ourselves, we do that to the T. Yet many a time we are never taught to love ourselves. Loving oneself is such a wholesome thing to do; yet, it is branded as being selfish. Why is it so?

For starters I look up the thesaurus for a synonym for self-love; I find a number of words all of which have a negative connotation. Look at this visual thesaurus below and you'll understand what I mean!

Some other synonyms are words bordering egoism, self centeredness, pride and vanity! No, these are not words that I am looking for. Plain love and liking for oneself which will give each one of us tremendous boost of self esteem. A feel-good pill. The harmless and free  medicine to combat vexation and depression.

Everyday I come across young people who hate themselves because they are not like someone else. They have poor self image because they think that they are not like zero size models. They believe that they are a cursed lot because they are not as "fair" "shapely" or "beautiful" as say, glamorous actresses. How should we handle this situation, as parents and as teachers?

The secret lies in developing a sense of self worth in these young minds. Listen to them and their plaints. Patiently talk to them about loving themselves as they are. Personality is about character and one's inner self and not the peripherals. The bottom line is to help them learn to enjoy their own company. The more they like themselves, the less they will want the lives of other people; be like other people.

For if you can't love or like yourself, how can others love or like you???

Reference: http://thesaurus.com/browse/self-love?s=t